Some pics

A few of my favorite pictures from my last trip to my grandparents. I hope they convey why I love this place and why it will always be home. If not, at least I know. This is my home...

a view from the front porch

cows down the road

abandoned house

the neighbors

My sis. My best friend. and my niece. The first time I got to meet my niece. I wish they didn't live so far away.

A late night update

Everything is packed up. Well for the most part. We still need to pack into suitcases the stuff we'll actually be using for the next few weeks. Unfortunately we've run out of space in the truck but we haven't loaded our bikes yet. Just another mess we need to clean up.

Today was my last day at work. I was hard to leave everyone. I really liked it there. I'm definitely going to miss a lot of people, more than I thought I would. Hopefully I'll see some of them again...sometime. One person even made me brownies. The hardest part was packing up my desk. It made me sad. But I know that to get what I want I'm going to have to make some changes. Mostly geographical. Somehow I don't think I'll ever be able to get my ranch in IL. It seems impractical.

Tomorrow we clean. Then Saturday we leave. I can't say I'm looking forward to it. If I were I wouldn't be up this late typing.

Someone burnt pizza and set off the fire alarm while we were loading the truck tonight. Which meant we had to stop what we were doing for a half hour for the fire department to get here and tell us it was okay to go back in. It was surprising. These apartments are the easiest I've lived in. No crime. This is the first time in a year the fire department had to come out. The cops come by twice a day just to check on things. But I haven't heard of any break-ins or anything. Its a really nice place to live. A bit out of the way. But for the management to be so easy to work with, and for the lack of crime it was well worth it. If you're looking for an apartment in Mundelein, Il go with Heritage Green. It's well worth it.

Okay, sleep time now. I'll try to update frequently on our trip and packing and unpacking and everything else. And post pictures. Lots of pictures. So bear with me as we go along.

the heart ache

There is a certain kind of life I want to have. I can picture it perfectly in my mind. I can feel it. I can see myself doing all the things that go along with it. But every time I think about it my heart aches. It aches because I have no friggin clue how to get it. I want it. I want it real bad. But how do I get it? Who do I even talk to to start figuring it out. There is so much involved. I mean the simplest way would be to acquire a large amount of money and buy it off someone. Which I don't want to do. I want to earn this. Blood sweat and tears. Even if I did buy it I still wouldn't have the know how to handle everything. I could guess. And I am pretty resourceful. But I'd probably end up just ruining everything. This isn't the sort of thing you can go to college for. No schooling would ever equal what hands on learning would do. I need a place to learn, to understand, and to get really dirty doing it. I think that's part of the reason I have no fears about moving. I know I can never get what my heart desires here. And the only hope I ever have of getting it, is to get there, and figure it out one day at a time.

I believe God doesn't give us desires for them to be ignored. This is something I've dreamed of since I was a little girl. Why has it taken me this long to go for it? So we are packing up, moving out, and starting a new life. I just hope that my heart can stop aching some day, someday soon.

deciding

up until recently I've held in the back of my mind that if my job (or any for that matter) would offer me full time work with benefits, that I would gladly put our move on hold. really, we could always move in a few years, and maybe have some more money saved up before and be able to start off really great.

but the more I think about it the less willing I am to wait. if we keep putting it off, when will we go? next year, 3 years, 10 years? no, its not something that can wait. so we throw caution to the wind and move. whether we are ready for not. if you wait for the "right" time to do something, you will never do it. never. there is never going to be a "right" time.

so we move. we have 17 days left in Illinois. and I am desperate to get out. NOW! its so friggin cold. in may. my how I hate it here. I checked the weather in phoenix. its been 90 for most of the week. sweet sweet hot weather, how I long to get to you!

nothing could possibly change my decision now. nothing. I am ready. now is as "right" a time as there ever will be!

the kind of life I want

I suck at posting regularly. But I figured that would happen when I started this. I just don't think I have the heart to write anymore. Life over the past few years has sucked all my creative energy out of me. I used to write all the time poetry, stories, nonsense crap. But now. No.

Bbeing cut off for a minimum of 8 hours a day from the thing I love most in the world hasn't helped. Outside. Air. Trees. Grass. Birds. As great as I am with numbers, I was never made to work in an office. Sometimes I feel like a caged animal, that just wants to run.

For now I am looking for office jobs in AZ. But if all goes as planned I hope to quickly quit and just work at Lowes or something, in the garden department. I'm tired of sitting at a desk all day. Maybe I can find a job on a ranch. You know one where they hire you based on your desires not your experience. Because I have none. But everyday I'm not on one I cry a little, inside.

Long term, I want a ranch. A big one. With horses and cows and dirty, dirty messes. Thankfully, my husband does too. He also wants a graphic design business, we'll figure out how to merge the two somehow. So we will work to realize our dream. However long it takes. I'm hoping not too long. I can't stand the stuffiness.

If you want to know what kind of life I've dreamed of since I was a little girl go read The Pioneer Woman. I've been reading nothing but her blog for the past three days. She has my life down to every dirty detail. Now I need to find a way to make that life mine.

Any suggestions on where to start?

Oh and I'd like to have it yesterday. Please. Thanks. Buh Bye.

I think I'm going insane

Last night we gave our apartment manager notice that we will not be renewing our lease. It was symbolically a big step. It feels like there is no going back now. If something changes we're stuck finding a new apartment here, which would suck. But we had no choice. It was time to get things going. There is so much to do still and we only have 30 days to get it all done.

Packing
Find a home for the bird
Get rid of unwanted things
Good-Bye Party
Apply for jobs
Look for apartments
2 trips to S. Il
Painting/cleaning the apartment

It doesn't look like a lot. But it is. Especially the packing part. And getting rid of crap. I think I may go insane with this process.

Well I was in a blogging mood. But I just lost my mojo, so I'm going to end this now. I should have more interesting thoughts later. We'll see....